Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Pepper Mill

Note to self:

1. When they say “wear gloves” if you’re messing with Hob-n-Arrow peppers, do it!
2. If you forget to follow this advice, prepare to spend the next 8 hours with your hands wrapped around ice cubes and dunked in freezing water.
3. Vow to always, always, always! refill the ice tray as soon as you empty it.
4. Plan to figure out a way to sleep comfortably with your hands in the water bowl (and remember to pray that the ol’ “dip a sleeping person’s fingers in water and see if the person wets the bed” trick is just a myth).
5. Forget the suggested methods of milk, vegetable oil, and vinegar baths for curing the burning sensation.
6. Imagine that your entire body was suffering from this burning sensation and once again thank God for sending his Son to save you from eternal damnation!
7. Blame the imagination mentioned in number 6 on the Rex Bullock and Wayne Friday revival services you were dragged to each fall, with said revival services always coinciding with the Hillsdale County fair
8. Remind your kids that you aren’t as strict as they think you are, because you actually let them go to their own local county fair, seeing as how you don’t think it’s a particularly sinful activity.
9. Toss into this conversation how you weren’t allowed to wear pants, cut your hair, wear jewelry (although you were permitted to accept a pretty gold watch from a boyfriend because it was “useful”), say the word “butt”, OR watch TV (except when you snuck over to your Granny’s friend, Opal’s, apartment to watch “Dynasty” with your sister, who would never tell because she idolized Linda Evans).
10. Leave out the part about how you liked Jackie Collins while wondering if Linda Evans is still married to Yani (or was it Kenny G?).
11. Laugh hysterically at the memory of you and your sister figuring out that you could LISTEN to Dynasty on the radio if you cranked it up really loud, while you WATCHED Dynasty from your dining room window through the neighbor’s living room window, and how mad you got if Mom had a Friday night off work.
12. Don’t explain to the kids why you’re laughing hysterically. They might doubt their current hopeful misconception that you’re actually sane, and will have nothing in later life to justify the expense of 4 therapists.
13. Avoid the whole process by saying “Thanks, but no thanks” if your niece, who eats green peppers like apples, offers you anything hotter than a warm day in January!

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