Saturday, May 2, 2009

She Wore An Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny, Yellow, Polka-Dot.....Burlap Bag!

I was reminded last night of why it's been well over 6 years since my last bathing suit purchase. Just looking at the price caused a mild heart attack. I am not about to spend $86 dollars to learn Humility Through Donning Spandex!

Upcoming events require that I be dressed appropriately for water activities. I don't know how to swim, so how many of these activities I actually participate in will be somewhat limited. If being in the general vicinity of the action requires appropriate dress as well, the management may need to change the rules about not letting people wearing garbage bags into the roped off areas!

Typically if I'm around water, it's a lake, so I can wear what I want. Shorts and a tank top, or shorts over an old bathing suit, or something along those lines. I haven't been in a public pool since...well, I don't recall ever being in a public pool. However, feeling the pressure to conform, I took a stroll through Kohls last night to see just how The know, the Ones With Bodies...dress when in or near bodies of water.

I searched till I found what I thought would be a tolerable piece of equipment. (That's the only way to refer to something this distasteful. "Cute" and "Sexy" are really quite obnoxiously unkind, not to mention untruthful, words to choose when viewing swimming apparel on the body of a mother-who-birthed-4.) Figuring that a "shorts and long top" style would be better, not to mention cheaper, I grabbed a couple sizes of the same style and headed for the dressing rooms with the Mirrors From Hell. I was certain I wouldn't look any worse than the 60-ish grandmotherly-type lady, quite a few pounds heavier and a couple inches shorter than I, shopping in the same Misses department.

I have no idea what that lady looked like, but THIS lady ain't goin' out in public wearing what she tried to wear in that claustrophobia-inducing hole! The sticker-shock heart attack wasn't enough to do me in, but the broken neck from falling down laughing almost made death a reality. My first thought, after picking myself up was "Oh my gosh! There's no way I'd let my boys see me like this!"

Despite what many people think, Image Isn't Everything. However, image is SOMEthing! And no one should have that image in their mind. That whole "picture is worth a thousand words" thing... I only need two words..."NO WAY!"

(image from google)


Wendy said...

Once I found a "slimming" suit. What great luck, I thought!

But what is that law of physics or something that says, "Mass can neither be created nor destroyed, only relocated"?

Same is true of slimming swimming suits. My torso looked great, but everything got pushed out the bottom in great bunches of cauliflower. Not so great.

I wear workout shorts over swimsuits anyway. And still agonize over what shows. Bleh. I don't even wear actual shorts out in public anymore!

The Mother said...

Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bikinis have been right out since kid #2. I now head for the pool with a wet-suit style tankini. Sexy? No. Workable--well, sorta.

Teresa said...

I live in my own eyes see differently from the inside of my head than yours do when they look at me. Why look in the mirror? Just put it on, and imagine that you look slim and sexy, and you will FEEL slim and sexy. Walk breezily along the way, and don't make eye contact with the people sitting in lounge chairs. Bwah ha ha!!!!

Deanna said...

Wendy - Cauliflower? ROFL! That beats "cellulite" anyday!

Mother - Kohl's didn't have workable. Walmart did. For less than half-price. I guess I can participate now.

Teresa - What self-help guru have YOU been listening to? With that attitude, I'm going to rearrange my checkbook. If it doesn't work out in reality like it did in my mind, should I make eye contact with the arresting police officer?

The Mother said...

Hey, it's okay today. Maybe it was just that weird post. Not that the post was weird. You know what I mean.

jordan♥ said...

Mann!! I should've thought of looking for a yellow polka-dot one.. but who cares, I got an amazing bikini that I am absolutely in love with! (: