Friday, December 28, 2007

If Life is a Game, Why am I Driving a Mini-van?

It has come to my attention that some people make mountains out of molehills. Over-exaggerate. Blow things out of proportion. You know the type...can’t see the forest for the trees. Take me, for example. I can’t tolerate topos. I mean tipos. Hippoes! TYPOS!!! So when I see one, I go BOlistic. Which is the real way that should be spelled, because you really can’t combine ball and istic. Of course, I don’t have my dictionary turned on right now, but I’m positive I’m correct on this.

Some people are also eager to jump the gun, join the bandwagon and put the horse in front of the cartwheel. Be careful, though...haste makes waste, and in some countries, if you happen to jump a broomstick instead of a gun, you just might find yourself with a new wife you weren’t expecting, in which case you might wish the term “till death do us part” was a clause Santa would help you enforce. Especially when you consider that by rearranging the words “mother in law” you reveal “woman hitler”.

Caller ID has taken the fun out of prank phone calls. But should you find you’ve been victimized, don’t waste your time dialing and demanding “Who called this number??!?” Honestly! Do you expect me to admit that I was inquiring as to the identity of your father? Or if your kitchen appliances are in working order?

Church signs reveal such useful, intelligent, cogent, coherent, logical, forceful, rational, convincing, strong, sound advice - we could do well in adhering to such knowledge. A few of my personal favorites are: “Have you downloaded Jesus to your heart-drive?” ... “Download your worries - Get online with God” ... I supposed to download good files and delete bad files, or delete good files and download bad files, or delete bad bile and keep good bile...oh wait, I can’t do anything with bile, I have no gall bladder!

Speaking of medical issues, recently I read somewhere that if you’re 30 pounds overweight, you’re considered obese. What category does that put me in? The morbid department, probably. How many axe handles does it take to measure that woman’s width??

Why do they put sugar in toothpaste? Does anyone ever use the white crayon? Does water have a taste? How are you supposed to use Bounce if the box states “Not to come in direct contact with clothing?” Why do people tell you to store batteries in the freezer? How do you get your ears clean if q-tips aren’t for inserting? Why do babies poop the minute your change their diaper? Why are sequels never as funny as the original? Where DOES your lap go when you stand up? Why can’t Carol Burnett come back to TV?

I’m Deanna, and I prove this message.
(paid for by keepherlockedupshesapublictothethreat)

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