Today Is Brought To You By Hasbro and By The Letters "C,E,R,E,A" and "L".

Because I don't want anyone to think our house is boring and monotonous, I bring you this morning's kitchen floor offerings.



See...we have colorful neon Playdough, sparkly leftovers from New Year's Eve party hats, and strawberry shredded wheat, tossed onto the floor courtesy of an irritated 17 month old little girl. This is oh-so-lovingly swept into the center of a square of my flooring, size 6"x6".

Yes, I have bigger plans for my New Year than constantly sweeping up crumbs. Tomorrow, I move on to Airing Dirty Laundry. Stay tuned.

I Don't Work for General Mills, I Just Feel Like I Do.

My daughter gave me a new broom and long-handled dustpan for Christmas. A very practical gift, as my back objects to using a typical dustpan, and my daughter objects to being the dustpan holder. (I always hated that job when I was a kid, too!) Practical, because at any time, I may ...no...WILL be facing this.




As a general rule, I sweep the kitchen floor after the babies are in bed for the night and the dishes are done. So, this, folks...this combination of Corn Chex, Apple Jacks, Cheerios, bread crumbs, and who-knows-what-else...is one morning's worth of dirt. On my kitchen floor. That I crunch. Every time I take a step.

But it gets worse.






I have Cheerios in my Christmas tree! And under my piano. And in my couch cushions, furnace registers, laundry baskets, shoes...

Rabbits! They should have named them RABBITS!

And to top it all off...I went to Walmart this morning - with no list - to buy a new vacuum cleaner, because my old one died. The minute I walked in the house, I remembered what I had forgotten to buy at Walmart.

GAAAAAAAH!

A Torturistic Ritual I Insist Must Happen Annually

If you think that it's easy to get 6 kids properly aligned with the stars at just the precise moment you need them to be, wearing semi-matching clothes, sporting semi-respectable hairstyles, and semi-smiling simultaneously...

Find another blog to read! One that's written by a Non-crazed Mother!

At ten bucks per person for a sitting fee, even the local Walmart studio would cost me a minimum $60, just to walk in the door. Tack on the price of the photos, all the extras they guilt me into purchasing, plus the ones that actually ARE adorable and I've just plunked down the equivalent of what's left in gold at Fort Knox. (Scratch that...the politicians spent it on their mistresses.) Regardless, large families and photography studios for a one-income-earner family in a bad economy just don't mix. Then, you add in the hilarity of trying to get a child with Angelman Syndrome to co-operate with his annoyed-at-having-to-dress-up siblings and keep his hands out of the baby's hair while being gripped around the neck by the three year old...

Just. Ain't. Happening.

So, to make up for all these issues, once a year, I tell the kids what color to pull out of the dresser drawer (or pick up from the floor, depending on the child in question). They groan. It's simultaneous! Why can't the smiles be like that?!? I make sure the camera batteries are charged - this project usually takes a while, and I'm not about to let a little thing like dead batteries cause me to have to start over! Tom dons his armor, and collects a significant amount of noisy toys and other paraphernalia that may prove useful in distracting and/or attracting attention, deflecting flying shoes, and removing embedded articles from walls, Christmas trees, and heads.

Following below, in no particular order, are the results of this group effort. Individual photos are in order, oldest to youngest.

I need a good stiff drink, thank you!






The best shot of the day...we'll take it.



Bucky, trying to convince everyone of a job well done. Emphasis on DONE. Tiffany, praticing mid-air River Dance moves.



Bucky, posing goofy, since we're NOT done, while Tiffany tries to clean Dylan's ears.



Dylan, whining because Preston is enforcing Mom's "Keep Dylan's socks out of this picture" request.



Bucky, catching Tiffany as she decides she can't stand the pressure and will be in her trailer! Preston is apparently considering growing a mustache for those thoughtful, yet fun-loving moments when one pauses to stroke the upper lip.



All children are in various stages of recovery, following Tiffany's foot connecting with Dylan's cranium. He only required 97 stitches and a sidestop at Sonic Happy Hour for 1/2 price slushies.




Preston, nearly 18



Bucky, 16.5



Gabe, 15



Savannah, 12.5



Dylan, nearly 4



Tiffany, 17 months



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Do Age and Gravity Mess With These, Too?

I believe the Bible. I believe it is 100% accurate. I believe it is God's word to us. I believe that humans misinterpret it. Often.

Some times, the way things come full circle just cracks me up.

As a setup, please note that I spent my primary school years in a church-run school that sometimes took Scriptures just a wee bit out of context, and when that didn't work, they'd just make stuff up. Well-intentioned, perhaps, but thank goodness I have a brain and can figure this stuff out now!

There were lots of rules, especially about how one was supposed to dress. (Well, let me clarify. Mostly, the rules were about how FEMALES were supposed to dress.) I'm OK with rules, to an extent. I understand that law and order are paramount. I can tolerate minor irritation for the greater good. My parents didn't particularly agree with all the regulations, but they felt the good outweighed the bad.

So -

Monday through Friday, I donned my dress with sleeves below the elbows and length three inches past mid-knee. I was too young for makeup, but that wouldn't have been allowed, anyway. I left my forbidden open-toed shoes in my closet, and tamed my uncut, brunette tresses with Aquanet. Allowed color, automobiles, and running water, we confused some people who thought we were Amish.

Occasionally, we'd ask for the Biblical source of these dress standards.

On why women shouldn't cut their hair - "A woman's hair is her glory" 1 Corinthians 11:15 (King James Version) But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.

On why women shouldn't wear pants - "Women shouldn't wear men's clothing" Deuteronomy 22:5 (King James Version) The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

On why jewelry wasn't allowed - "Women don't need jewelry to be beautiful" 1 Timothy 2:9-10 (King James Version) In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

My arguments against this rationale fell on deaf ears.

"If a woman's hair is her glory, then why do you twist yours up in a knot on the top of your head so no one can see how long it is?"

"Back in Bible times, I thought men wore long robes."

"Why is a strand of fake pearls around my neck bad, but you can wear the same kind on a barrette on your knotted head?"

All of those verses, when read in context, are logical. When used to validate the edicts...eh...not so much.

Remember I mentioned that if a Bible verse justifying an ordinance couldn't be found, things were just made up? Here's where it turns comical.

One of the tidbits that was shared along the way was the reasoning (?!?) behind the necessity of sleeves covering elbows. Apparently, elbows make men think about breasts.

There are verses in the Bible about breasts. Lots about sexuality, both proper and improper. Men's thoughts are mentioned a few times. But no where do I recall reading about elbows. It could be mentioned in Song of Solomon, I suppose, since he mentions just about every other body part. As beautifully gifted as he was with poetry, I'm not sure he would include elbows and breasts in the same sentence.

Over the years, I've conducted research. I've plunked my elbows on the table and asked people "What do these look like?" The eye-rolling and chortling that follow the explanation grows funnier the more I age.

But about that full circle thing I opened this post with...

Actually, I thought the breast-elbow connection was complete hogwash. Until my three year old son confirmed it.

Headed to the shower recently, I was holding the clothing I intended to wear for the day, including a particular undergarment worn on the upper portion of the female anatomy. Nothing slips by Dylan, and even though it was partially covered by my jeans and t-shirt, his vision honed right in.

"Hey Mom, are you gonna wear that on your elbows?"

Madness

Could we just make it a rule that all the stupid people in Washington have to go live at Guantanamo Bay?

Seriously. Our country is trillions of dollars in debt, and they're worried about THIS???

Oh good grief!

More Things That Shouldn't Be

Something just doesn't seem quite right here...





At a place where I can fill up my tank...




and get the van washed...




I can also use my food stamps. (Well, if I had food stamps, that is...)

Yeah, plenty of great healthy food at this place!! (I'm warning ya...do NOT get me started on making me pay for my neighbor's pop and potato chips! It won't be pretty, and at the very least, the innocent clerk at the grocery store should get the striped shirt for free if she has to play referee!)

But first, I'd like to suggest a consultation with a marketing professional, or maybe hiring someone slightly skilled in creating coherent signage.

Am I getting the special of the day, a good car wash? (Why would I want a bad one?)
Is gas only $2.00? Is that per gallon or per tank?
Are the cigarettes the deal, or are we playing some kind of 3-pack card game?
Is there a qualification process for the free lighter?



Am I the only one around here that thinks this is a little wacked?!?

Too Bad People Haven't Been Trained This Way...

Happy Friday!!

Updated Homeschool Rules for 2009

I am a home school mom. So when ya'll do that "I'llbesogladwhenschoolstartsthesekidsaredrivingmenuts!!$#%^!!" thing, please stand your distance, because I just might pick up the nearest very large stick and whack you with it! The start of the school year means something totally different for me. To ensure that I maintain my sanity...wait, what am I saying, here?!? OK, OK, to try and appear a tadbit sane so I can fool...oh, forget it, that won't work either...
Let's try this again... For the benefit of my children, my brain, and my house, the following rules apply during normal school hours, which I believe are Monday through Friday prior to 3 PM...

1. I probably won't answer the phone, but you can leave a message and I'll call you back when I have a moment. Long discussions on dancing celebrities and political fallout won't be happening, though.

2. We have voicemail, not an answering machine. So don't yell into the phone, thinking you can annoy us enough that we'll quit ignoring you. We ARE ignoring you, but I'll never hear your complaints because I press "3" when I hear yelling on voicemail.

3. Cell phones owned and/or operated by children living at this address will not be turned on, and will most likely be in the possession of the teacher.

4. Drop-in visitors will be shot at first sight. So if your laundry detergent can't remove neon pink paint, don't step on our front porch.

5. I just might actually NOT answer the door if you attempt to break Rule #4. (We've got good aim - watch the upstairs windows.)

6. Our school day does not look like what you remember from 5th grade. If you drive by and see one of the kids playing in the street, just Smile and wave, Boys. Smile and wave. (well, if they're on a skateboard...if it's one of the babies, please...at least stop and direct them to the sidewalk. Do not call the social workers, though...they're the ones who put the babies here to begin with...they think they're cute, but they don't want them back.)

7. Field trips may include a trip to Stuffmart for diapers and coffee creamer. Don't question it. Just go with the flow, and appreciate a family that teaches their children the Fine Art of Shopping, Economics, and People Watching all at one time.

8. If you REALLY want to help out, come over and take the babies for a morning. Visit Story Hour at the library. They like playgrounds, indoors or out. They like french fries, too.

9. Sometimes the kids get to escape for lunch with friends. Usually on Friday, IF they've cooperated with the teacher during the week. So encourage them to cooperate, or they may starve to death. From lack of spending time with friends, I'm sure.

10. School work includes learning how the REAL world lives, which equates to a JOB. If you see the kids hauling a mower down the street, it ain't for entertainment.

11.Combining teenage students with infants has been a challenge this past year. It's a constantly re-assessed and rearranged work-in-progress. I may chuck it all and head for the hills by October. Please don't look for me. I'm enjoying my blissful ignorance, and the coffee supply is endless.

The school administrator will take complaints. He's big, bald and sees in black and white. Good luck.

Thank you for the opportunity to provide you with...whatever you want to call this. We're here to serve.

Holy Bagel, Batman! It's Jesus!

For those of you that missed out on the opportunity to bid on the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich...and haven't saved enough money to travel to the far corners of the world to view the obscure Jesus shadow on a church wall...and tried but just couldn't quite make the perfect omelet resembling Moses...

I offer you...



...the Jesus Pan.

Call your closest friend, and for a mere $29.99, you can both share in this spiritual bliss. What says "Jesus Love Me" better than a bagel with Freaky-Eye Syndrome!

You'll be the envy of all your family when you prepare your holiday meals with this special, life-changing pan. You may even be asked to preach at your church once your pastor finds out you Worship with Jesus at every meal. Order in bulk at a special discount - these make excellent Sunday School gifts! Pens with your church name are so yesterday!

Despite the oddly-placed punctuation, and the fact that Jesus looks like he's using weird halos to recover from a car accident, this special kitchen tool has been featured on the Jay Leno show, and everybody knows how spiritual that man's shows can be!

Don't schedule your next pancake supper/bingo night until you've called and ordered your Jesus Pans. Your church friends will thank you.

I Have a Right To Remain Silent?!?

Tom has a friend that, years ago in school, thought the Miranda Rights included "a cannon will be used against you in a court of law".

Ben Franklin, bless his intelligent soul, had similar thoughts a few years back, and thank his lucky stars, this idea
never took off!

It seems he believed people should be forcefully roused from their pillows by ringing church bells. If that didn't work, he proposed cannons being fired. At 4 AM, mind you. Or when the sun rose - now, I live in Ohio. The sun doesn't rise at 4. Neither does Deanna. Cannons or not. I often rise between 5:30 and 6:00, because I like to see Tom for a few minutes before he heads out the door to his very long work days. But until I've mainlined enough coffee to make me human, you're likely to get a fist in the face if you start belting out "Come On, Ring Those Bells, Light Deanna's Tree..." (there's a throw-back to the 70's with the Allowable Christian Christmas Music by Evie...)

For people who take issue with Daylight Savings Time, shush it! As someone who is ever so much nicer in the summer than in the winter, I appreciate all the sunshine I can get. They have a name for people like me. Actually they have lots of names for people like me, but the specific name I refer to is SAD. Do I sound like a SAD person? I'm not SAD. MAD might be more appropriate. Mouthy Affective Disorder is fairly accurate, but the doctors see it as Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD gets you in trouble with your insurance company, MAD gets you in trouble with the cops. So far I've managed to avoid trouble with both industries. Pretty much.

So here's to Ben Franklin's better ideas, mood music, and sunshine. Spring your clocks forward tonight.

I love summer!



Big Ben courtesy of Google/FreeFoto

Another Odd Ending

So I was a bit grumpy when I stuck my last post on here. You'll have that some days. Especially days when people annoy me with stupidity.

Then there's days when people just amuse me, and ya get things like this.

We have a guy in our town (well, to be fair, it's the outskirts next to the cemetery, but still plainly visible) who went all out a couple years ago on planting tomatoes. He has a huge electrical tower monstrosity in his back yard, and it appears that to make it more tolerable to live with, he decided to plant his tomatoes in toilets. He had 6 or 7 toilets arranged in a circle beneath the tower. It was rather trashy looking, in a tasty sort of way.

Maybe he was friends with this guy and was trying to out-do him. I don't know if our city council or mayor ever told him to clean up his act, but we only had to see the outdoor tomato bathroom for one season.

Now out in Iowa, if you're an older person, you might want to join in on the naming of your group. It just doesn't bode well for senior citizens to be referred to as DOA. Unless of course they've been eating tomatoes grown in toilets. That might extend the possibility of being un-DOA.

If you're a foreigner coming into the state of Washington, it's probably best if you don't try to enforce your mother's manners on the border agent. Yes, we know it's nice to say please, but unless you want some pepper spray to flavor your toilet tomatoes, you best not be demanding the man with the weapons to treat you kindly.

Yes, it's nearing spring time, I have cabin fever and I'm itchin' to get some tomato plants in the ground. Bet ya just couldn't figure that one out!!

All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front...

The apple crisp I made tonight is so sweet it hurts my teeth.

My baby's dimples are super cute. I think she's cutting teeth.

It was slightly icy today at Gabe's school. Preston slipped getting out of the van. (It hurt his arm, but not his teeth.)

A family of 8 monopolizes a good half hour of the chiropractor's time. (He didn't work on anyone's teeth.)

The roof salesman at my door today didn't want to take "no" for an answer. (I couldn't get over the hacking cough he had long enough to check his teeth.)

I paid for a half gallon of milk today with one dollar in change. It confused the grouchy salesclerk. I handed her, separately while stating how much of each coin I had, 20 pennies, 5 dimes and 6 nickels. She didn't believe I had 20 pennies. Then she missed a dime when counting. Then she dropped a dime and a nickel. I was in the express lane. I just stood there and smiled. (While wanting to grit my teeth.)

Now I'm going to bed. (After I brush my teeth)

The Blahgly Top 100 (Sung to the Tune of Casey Casum's Weekly Top 40)

I currently have 8 friends on MySpace. Of those, 5 are family members, 1 is my best friend from high school, 1 is the daughter of a college friend, and 1 is a family friend/friend of Bucky's.

Bucky has 100 friends on MySpace. I think he doesn't even personally know many of them. They're bands, friends of friends, and people he's probably spying on, interspersed with actual friends. He makes fun of me because I "don't have any friends". I tell him I'm going for quality, not quantity. He's a people person, a party animal, a social dragon, so he doesn't get it. That's OK.

He may have 100 friends, but I...I... have 100 posts...right here in my own little world.

And so, to honor that fact, I'm going to list 100 strange things that are somehow vaguely related to me. These strange things won't change the world, light up a room, or bring world peace, but they make me grin,(mostly??) and it's my blog, so I can say them.

1. I was born in Albion, Michigan.

2. Albion, Michigan has a park by the cemetery.

3. We used to drink water from a natural spring in the park.

4. Last I knew, the natural spring was fenced off from the public because it's contaminated.

5. Now I get water from a natural spring outside Fayette, Ohio.

6. It has a lot of iron in it.

7. I hate ironing.

8. I once melted one of my mother's headscarves trying to do her a ironing favor.

9. I think party favors at weddings are a waste of money, unless it's chocolate.

10. The best kind of chocolate is milk chocolate.

11. I would like to have a cow so I could have free, raw milk.

12. Raw implies nakedness.

13. On vacation with my dad once, I made him laugh by making a smart comment about the Naked Furniture store we drove past.

14. My dad accidentally spilled Aunt Janet out of her wheelchair while we were laughing about the Naked Furniture.

15. We were walking into Denny's for dinner.

16. That vacation involved too many Denny's.

17. I have a brother-in-law named Dennis.

18. Uncle Ernie used to call him Denny.

19. Uncle Ernie called everybody by their name, plus y.

20. In the church I grew up in, most everyone was related, except our family, and a couple others.

21. We still call everyone Aunt and Uncle.

22. I was in Houston when Uncle Marvin died.

23. He was our Song Leader, and my favorite Uncle.

24. His wife dyed her hair.

25. That was a big No No.

26. I dye my hair.

27. Gray is a big No No.

28. Long gray is an even bigger No No.

29. I went to a chiropractor a few years ago and he gave his opinion on women having long hair.

30. He was pompous.

31. He didn't help my headaches.

32. Now I go to a really nice chiropractor that lets us borrow his sailboat.

33. I don't have headaches anymore.

34. He recommends strange beers every once in a while.

35. Blue Moon is OK.

36. Corona is still tops.

37. Our grocery store has a singles aisle.

38. I'm married, but I tried it out anyway.

39. YOU really shouldn't think that way!

40. I bought 6 different kinds of beer.

41. So far, I've only liked 1. Shock Top. Liberty Ale was DEEEEEESGUSTING!!

42. I'd make a horrible alcoholic.

43. I'd also make a horrible junkie.

44. I got to experience a morphine drip when I had a car accident.

45. When I told someone that I thought my head was sitting on my pillow beside my body, the nurse told me I was getting high legally and to enjoy it.

46. I enjoy lots of things, but being out of control isn't one of them.

47. I would enjoy a nice vacation with Tom.

48. I'd like to go to Italy for our 25th anniversary.

49. We've been married for 17 years.

50. We met on a blind date.

51. He was the 3rd Tom I dated.

52. Tom number 1 was a loser. Loser. LOSER. (How do I make that L bigger??)

53. Tom number 2 was a mama's boy. Mama's Boy.

54. He was 20. He had a curfew. Next.

55. Obviously, the ol' 3rd times-a-charm is true in my case.

56. After our first date, I was so impressed that I asked him for a 2nd date the following night.

57. We went to a Carman concert with my sister Teresa and her husband (Denny), and my sister Tam and her friend Randy. (I only know of one person who calls Tom "Tommy". If Uncle Ernie was still alive, I'd know two.)

58. On the way home, Tom told me I could lean my head on his shoulder, if I didn't drool.

59. ???!!???!

60. Tam thought that was extremely comical.

61. Randy fell asleep and went in the ditch on his way home.

62. When Tam was a teenager, and before I was married, I was the chauffeur for her and her friends. (Usually Tim, Dawn and Randy. Sometimes Angie.)

62. I took them to a Carman concert once. (Different time - before Tom)

63. At this concert, I was standing between Randy and Tam during a song where Carman had everyone dancing with their arms around each other's shoulders.

64. Randy flung his arm around me, being funny. His hand landed...well, his hand landed.

65. Randy was 15. Randy was embarrassed. Randy's hand disappeared just as quickly as it landed.

66. I had to bite.my.tongue. and figure out an appropriate amount of time to remain calm before I could safely lean over and tell Tam, without embarrassing the kid so much that he walked the 55 miles back home. (I'm dying, here.)

67. Randy is now a chiropractor, married to Angie Carrie, in a town about 6 miles away.

68. We don't borrow his sailboat.

69. We went to a boat show about a month ago.

70. My favorite was listed at $364,000.

71. I'd take one for much less.

72. Neither Tom or I know how to swim, but that wouldn't stop us from going to live on the ocean.

73. There aren't many chances of running into stupid people out there.

74. There are no Walmarts in the middle of the Atlantic. Yet.

75. I hate Walmart on Saturday. Shoppers in Dirty Pajamas Day. Stinky.

76. I prefer to shop there on Sunday. Shoppers in Church Clothes Day. Fresh.

77. I wear jeans and hoodies to church alot. But they're clean.

78. I like this time of year, cause I can wear my hoodies all the time.

79. I only have 3. Red Ohio State, Pink Nasa and Purple plain. (Christmas is coming.)

80. I don't think I'll ever be a Red Hat lady.

81. I've pondered starting my own Anti-Red Hat Club.

82. One of these days, I might get smacked down if I insult the wrong person.

83. I don't generally try to insult.

84. I just don't always care that what I say is offensive, since that's subjective anyway.

85. I've been removed from blog rolls. I think this
was just too much for some people.

86. It made me laugh. And ponder a post about Tidy Christians. I haven't gone there yet.

87. There's little that's tidy in my life. I actually hate that word.

88. Tidy implies boring.

89. I'm actually content to be a homebody most of the time, but I don't feel bored.

90. I don't feel the need to have Girls Night Out. Gag!

91. That term creates 2 pictures in my brain.

92. Drunk women acting stupid at a bar, and sober women sitting around talking about coupons, cooking and submitting to their husbands.

93. I think I'd need to go out with the drunk women to be able to tolerate the sobers.

94. I do use coupons and cook. And last I checked, Tom still wears the pants in this family. I'm happy to let him have that responsibility.

95. Growing up, women wearing pants was a No No.

96. Growing up, I had a dog named So So.

97. I also had a dog named Pete.

98. His mama was named Sugar.

99. I used to put sugar in my coffee.

100. Now I'm man enough to drink it non-sugared. (Who needs sugar when you put half a cup of French Vanilla creamer in it?)

101. I'm not too good at that countin' thing yet. Which explains why I'm posting this now, instead of 3 posts from now. (That, and just 'cause I can.)

Oh, time for me to shut up and sit down? Well, so there you have it. My life story in 100 easy bullet points. Which reminds me, I need to check into gettin' some shootin' apparatuses for deer-killin'. We had venison steak today, and it was quite yummy. I'm thinkin' 'bout givin' 'ol Annie Oakley a run fer her money. Or inviting Ted Nugent to my ranch.

It's Only Tuesday??!??

So far this week, I've:

Managed to avoid finishing the bathroom painting project

Tripped over our stupid Dog With Jealousy Issues

Convinced at least two of my son's friends that I'm a complete lunatic

Drank over 12 cups of coffee

Missed, narrowly, a car collision with the local school principal (her fault)

Changed countless poopy diapers in 3 sizes

Considered taking up smoking to deal with Politically-Induced Stress

Thanked God I'm not a teenager any more

Pondered how much food we need to survive a National Crisis (definition open)

Called and emailed Senators and Representatives to speak my mind

Paid way to much for gasoline

Defended my reasons for not voting Republican or Democrat

Been informed that someone can hardly wait until he's 18

Wished I could take a vacation



It's been a long week.