GAH! Seriously, People??!?

This GRINDS me!

"I didn't want to give up my fast food."

ARGH!

First...Taco Bell is just gross!

Second...while you might actually lose weight doing this, you probably won't be healthy!

Third...just....EW! Ick! Yuck!

You didn't become a tub-o-lard overnight, and you're not going to be a size 8 overnight. Use your brain, if the chemicals in your fast food haven't petrified it yet! Fresh fruit is tasty. Fresh vegetables are yummy. Eat some good, filling protein. Water is your best friend. Don't get hooked on this season's American Idol - spend that time walking.

GAH!

Oh, good grief!


(and for the record, I am overweight...)

I Know I'm Petty, But...

Could SOMEone please explain to me WHY Facebook status updates like "So-and-So is off to watch TV!!!!!" (buy groceries, cook dinner, flush the toilet - you get the point) get a bazillion exclamation points and 27,000 people "liking" it?!?

What is so stinkin' awesome about Sally Somebody going about her everyday activities? Do I know the only 3 people in the world who can come up with something interesting, hilarious, disturbing or challenging? Granted, I don't have 8,439 friends. My requirement for approving friend requests is that I actually know you, spend time with you, used to spend time with you and now don't due to life's circumstances, or attend some type of church/school/community activity with you. Maybe if I approved every person that ever lived, thought about living, or has still-living relatives, I could find someone with a life more interesting than the local real estate transfer log!

Worse - the people who "like" the boring activities! What?!? Can't you cook? Don't you shop? Never heard of coupon clipping? Darn it, people! Get lives! Read a book! Go skiing! Spend an afternoon on the Elderly Bench in Main Action Alley at Walmart! (Yes, there IS such a name. Gag.) Volunteer to wash windows at the local jail! Do SOMEthing, so you don't think your best friend from first grade is so dang great because she remembers how to blow her nose! (Unless she's had a stroke, in which case, great for her that she's recovered that important skill...it's ever so much better than using her sleeve, but do you REALLY believe that she had a stroke and forgot how to blow her nose but she is at Astounding Tutoring Farmer level in Farmville? You're so gullible!)

And what's with the church-sign mentality for status updates? ACK! If I want a Cotton-Candied Positive, Morally Uplifting, Spiritually Emotional, Biblically-Inaccurate, Intelligence-Devoid bit of Drivel, I'll drive by 94% of the churches in my county and pick my favorite. (Or listen to any number of popular televangelists, but we won't go there tonight - I don't want to lose my supper.)

And don't you DARE tell me what you're cooking for dinner! I Do. Not. Care. that you're considered the greatest chef since Teflon came along...feed your family. Leave us out of the meal planning! We all know you eat......

Geez, people! Watch a movie, and write down a funny line you hear. Quote it as your status. Not only will it make you appear funnier than you are - it will make people wonder what drug you just ingested.

To All Rude People, In Regards to My Daughter's Size

Dear people:

This is mother. Normally, I'm friendly, but today I'm a little irritated with ya'll.

My daughter, while she does have her moments, is generally not a rude person. She would most likely not walk up to you and say things like:

"You're fat."

"You're short."

"You need to eat less."

Because, while those things may all be quite true, she isn't mean. (Unless she's on drugs. Then all bets are off. Mean, or humorous. You decide.

She probably also wouldn't say things like:

"You have on 2 shirts."

"Your clothes match."

"Your hair looks funny."

...or any number of other simple observations...

Because, for one thing, she figures you have a mirror, and you can see these things for yourself, if you bother to use that mirror.

So let me give you some advice.

Shut up!

It's not necessary for you to point out that she's tall, slim, and fashionably dressed.

Oh, and also...

Quit asking me if I feed her.

Or I'm going to punch you.

Sincerely,
Mom

Madness

Could we just make it a rule that all the stupid people in Washington have to go live at Guantanamo Bay?

Seriously. Our country is trillions of dollars in debt, and they're worried about THIS???

Oh good grief!

Hallmark, Please Take Notice or You're Fired!

My Circle of Friends includes many families who have adopted, or plan to adopt, one or more children. This is a BIG DEAL. Promise!!

So when I went looking for an Adoption card at my local Stuffmart the other day, I was more than a little perturbed that not ONE card celebrating one of the most momentous occasions in family life was available.

I found plenty of the general run of the mill cards...
Birthdays, anniversaries, marriage, baby showers, engagement announcements...

There were other celebrated events represented...
Bar Mitzvahs (obviously being mailed out of our county - our Jewish population isn't huge here)
New homes (yeah, THOSE cards are flying right off the shelves these days!)
Moving away (Think my neighbors would get the hint, if I sent one to them?)
Moving back (Apparently some people LIKE their in-laws)
New job (Ha! Unemployment rate in our county is the state's highest, at 17.5%)

You can also find some great cards for your pets to send to each other, your friend's mother's brother's uncle who treated you like one of the family, coming out of the closet, and having your gall bladder xrayed prior to surgery to remove your heart of stone, and apparently these occasions are all MORE IMPORTANT THAN ADOPTION! More power to ya! I just want a dang adoption celebration card. Guess I'll make my own! It'll be prettier, anyway.

We didn't know it, but my sister and two of my nieces were waiting outside the courtroom when we finalized our adoptions last week. When we exited the door, there they were with balloons and stuffed animals for Dylan and Tiffany, and Hershey's Bars for the rest of us. Had my younger sister been closer than 1200 miles, she would have been there, too. They both had pictures of my kids on their Facebook pages within hours. Now THAT's what I'm talking about! It's a big deal!

Yes, Cat, I Feel the Same Way...

And because I haven't mentioned it lately...

I like Ron Paul

It Must Be a Rhetorical Question, Eh?

Having worked at Wendy's in a former, younger life, I should know better than to buy chicken sandwiches at certain times of the day. My on-the-run sandwich/supper yesterday didn't come from a chicken hatchery. It came from a rubber tree, I'm pretty sure. I've discovered you can choke down lots of things, if the thing is drowning in pickles.

Do we really need Danny Lipford, DIY guru, telling us that all homeowners should have a hammer? Granted, not every home in most 3rd-world countries have a lot of use for hammers, but in developed nations, I'm thinking... Hmmm... if a bank will give you a loan for a house, you've probably considered purchasing a hammer. Finding that hammer when you need it is another story.

When did "burial expense" experts start making telemarketing calls? That was kinda creepy on my voicemail!

Why does my insurance company have NO PROBLEM doling out thousands of dollars monthly for medication, but they limit my chiropractor payments to $1,000 annually? We recently discovered that one of Gabe's seizure medications comes in more than one form, and this means a savings of over $1100 a month, merely by switching from "sprinkles" to "tablets". I suggest they let me have the savings for visits to my chiropractor more often.

Why can I always find chocolate bunnies in the Easter Candy aisle, but I have to search through 87 Walmarts to find a white chocolate cross?

Do people really write those letters to Dear Abby, or are they computer-generated? I realize America has it's fair share of dumb people, but if people are really as dumb as some of those letters indicate, would they be smart enough to write for advice?

How can anyone POSSIBLY watch enough TV to make it worth the $136/monthly bill I saw recently, belonging to a woman who has a male significant other that refuses to work?

Why?

Why?

Why?

It's a near-full moon. I live with teenagers. I have a 3 year old. Any or all of those facts might explain my grouchy, whiny, inquisitive attitude. I am SO not feelin' the love tonight.

I Would Offer Her Coffee If She Was My Neighbor...

*The article written herein may or may not be the actual viewpoint of the writer. Writer chooses to contain her opinions on all below-mentioned names for various reasons (for the time being, anyway...)



Ok, America - Please make up your mind. Is Nadya Suleman irresponsible for birthing 14 children and mooching off the system? Or should she be banished from society for trying to earn money by selling the video of her octuplets' birth?

You say you don't want your tax dollars paying to raise her children, but neither do you want her to make her own money to feed and clothe the clan.

You trot right out to see John and Kate when they come to your church, and you religiously tune in to The Duggars. Do you think they're putting their family on display for free?

You just can't have it both ways, people.

Leave the woman alone! Unless you're gonna go offer to change diapers and rock those babies to sleep, shut up and go back to your video games!

Dumpster Diving

OK, so I'm gonna break down here and admit that every once in a while, something comes across my path that just grinds me.


Normally I can deal with these rare occurrences and no one is any wiser as to the wrestling in my brain. I am no Monk by any stretch of the imagination (my clutter would push the poor man into a permanent catatonic state), but I do have a couple squeamish tendencies that make Tom refer to me as a germ-a-phobe, in a very loving sort of way. I use hand sanitizer the minute I exit Walmart, I use my own pens to sign papers at the doctors office, and I hold the electronic stylus pen at RiteAid with my sleeve when I sign for prescriptions. I think that's only logical! Who goes to the doctor and pharmacy? Sick people!! (I also prefer my kitchen cupboards to be organized by food group, can size and labels turned OUT, and my bathroom closet to have all towel edges turned IN - does this indicate a need for psychological evaluation?)

Despite what you may be thinking right-about-now, the subject of this post really isn't my minor OCD issues. No, the subject - the daily grind, if you will - is TRASH CANS. In particular, OUR trash cans.



Our kitchen trash can being full doesn't bother me. The fact that I'm the only person in the house who routinely notices that it fills up bothers me. The fact that I am still, after nearly 17 years, explaining to my children the task of properly taking the trash to the outdoor trash can and REPLACING THE BAG IN THE KITCHEN TRASH CAN bothers me.




The lid doesn't bother me. We utilize the trash receptacle so often that I generally don't even keep the lid on it. It's stored near the trash can, and prior to company coming over, we'll dust it off and dutifully slap it on top of the (hopefully) empty can. It bothers me that I don't have a "place" for my trash can other than way-too-near my kitchen table, but it works out great for tossing the dry pizza crust and chicken wings and flipping the Corona bottle tops without getting off our chairs.




Dirty trash cans REALLY grind me. Growing up, my mother used paper grocery bags to line the trash can. Paper bags are shorter than the average kitchen trash can, so this effort really did nothing to keep the trash can clean. Emptying all the trash cans in the house was one of my routine chores, so you can imagine my displeasure at having to haul a nasty can outside to the burn barrel and watch the days' disgust roll down the side of the stained, formerly-white-now-dingy-gray can into eternal ashy oblivion.

As you can see in this picture SOMEONE didn't bother to make sure there was a trash bag in the can before tossing a few coffee grounds in, or else SOMEONE ripped a hole in the bag that was there, and a few coffee grounds slipped through. However, my solution to this problem is this: when I mop the floors, I use my kitchen trash can for a bucket. It keeps it nice and fresh. The bottom of my kitchen trash can is NOT stained, and in fact is so clean, that I wouldn't cringe if a piece of chocolate fell in - I'd probably consider the 30-second rule, blow off the imaginary germs, and depending on the day of the month, yes, I would probably eat it. Because I use a botanical germicidal spray on my trash cans, they are actually pretty clean in between changing bags. So that the other trash cans in my life don't feel left out, I let them masquerade as mop buckets every so often, too. My house may be a mess, but by golly, the trash cans are gonna be clean!



Something else that bothers me is the price of trash bags. Have you bought them lately??!? A couple years ago, I could get 96 quality bags for under $5. Now it will cost me almost $8, for 80. And the box they come in is flimsier! It's not even heavy cardboard, it's barely cardstock weight! So I had to salvage the last heavy box we had. When I get ripped off buy a new box of trash can liners, I toss the box they come in, and put the roll into the old box. I have nightmares that someone with lesser trash can liner fears than mine will toss the old box and I will daily, sometimes more than daily, have to face the fact that I no longer can purchase 96 bags at one time. Seriously, I'm tossing money into the trash can! It's preposterous!



This is my saving grace, though. It proves that I'm not a complete lunatic. It proves that not all trash cans are created equal. It proves that I can find ways to stick it to the man save money.







This came with our house. We bought this house and moved in 5 years ago today. Upon arriving in our new God-provided home, I was pleasantly surprised to find a couple outdoor trash cans loitering around the back door. Great, I thought. Wonderful. I won't have to buy new ones. So I didn't. I didn't care that this one didn't have wheels. I just prop it against the house, or the other trash cans. It works fine. It has serviced our dirty diapers, tomato soup cans (that don't get used on Tom's car), moldy bread, junk mail, used coffee filters, and empty Hershey wrappers faithfully for 5 full years.

But now...after 5 full years ... I have been put on notice. Apparently not everyone appreciates my money-saving finesse.

I've been served collection notices in the past, but they've never made me laugh. Until now... and they have a new twist. It's a NON-collection notice! Yahoo!



Two weeks ago, the trash guys left one can untouched on Trash Day. Sitting there so neat and orderly by the street, they abandoned it! We happened to have some extra stuff out that day, so I thought we were over our "limit", although we typically are and nothing ever happens. They're so nice, and they need our junk so much, they just take it for us. Our solution was to have the boys haul a couple of extra bags over to a neighboring house which never puts ANY trash out, because it's owned by a church and not occupied. The pastor's wife told us years ago if we had an occasion where we had extra trash, we were welcome to put it out at that curb, because the church pays for trash pickup for that location anyway. This was the first time we've taken advantage of her offer. (This pastor's wife had some of her own trash disappear a year or so ago, and she thought she was losing her mind. As it turns out, the police had swiped her trash bags from her curb in an effort to nail some drug dealers they thought might be dumping evidence in other people's trash. Ha!)

Voila! Problem solved. But wait! Two days ago, Preston Savannah brought in this lovely little green sticker from the handle of our free trash can. Now we know the real reason they left us in a lurch for trash space!




Have I mentioned we've lived here, and used this very same trash can, for 5 years???!??

I'm not sure why we're getting a sticker from the "Village of Delta" trash collectors. Tri-State Waste has always provided trash pickup for our village, to my knowledge. So I'm going to defend these guys by assuming that Tri-State must have subcontracted that day out to Delta, a town some 30-odd miles away from us. These guys would have no knowledge of my aversion to spending money on new trash cans, and as Tom pointed out, it is slightly difficult to keep the can standing up, with no wheels on it. This might explain why there was a dirty diaper left lying in my front yard after the truck pulled away...

But do you think I'm spending money on a new trash can now?

Think again. If I can screw a piece of wood onto the bottom of this puppy and stabilize it, I will not be replacing this trash can any time soon. The Trash Gods can just deal with it.

One Wedgie-Headlock Comin' Right Up

(image from google)

Take a walk through our county seat on a warm summer day, and you might be treated to the smell of Butterscotch or Cherry Dum-Dums being cooked. But trust me, when I get suckered, I don't feel much like taking the trolley tour of Spangler's Candy Company!

I've had some suspicious looking charges on my phone bill for the past 4 months. I thought it looked a little higher than should be, but it wasn't an extravagant amount, so I let it slide. Finally this morning I sat down to sort out last year's bills, receipts and other junk needed for taxes, and decided to deal with the problem of the extra $13.86 for Emergency Voicemail that's been lounging on my Embarq bill.

Can ya'll see the steam rising over Ohio??!?

Phillip at EBSI didn't act the least bit concerned that a John King (OK, thief! Can't you at least be original?) claimed authority online to charge my phone bill for a 1-800 number. No, Phillip can't tell me who this person is. Yes, he can trace the IP address, but I will have to file a police report and let them contact EBSI to gain access to that address. He will refund my phone bill a total of $51.80. He wasn't interested in chatting with me for long, for some reason.

Grrrrr!!

My phone call to Spencer at Embarq was much more productive, although just as disheartening. I wasn't happy with his answers, but he did say I wouldn't be held responsible for the charges. He was happy to enlighten me on how this happens, though.

It appears that there are 3 companies in particular that are allowed to 3rd-party bill through an Embarq customer's phone bill. They are the above-mentioned EBSI, and two more: UBSI, and IDL. Upon Googling these 3 miscreants, it seems that's exactly what they are - up to no good!

A ne'er-do-well boonswaggler randomly picks a non-suspecting phone number owner and signs up for various phone services online using that person's number. In my case, the twit only needed an Emergency 1-800 number, but I found other victims who had been charged hundreds of dollars for who-knows-what. Had I been hit with exorbitant bills, I would have investigated sooner; fortunately I was only being taken for 14 bucks a month - but by golly, that's a couple gallons of milk and a loaf of bread!

This problem can be avoided by having a 3rd-party block put on the phone account. Except that will mean no one can call our number collect. That could be a problem. Hmmm, Spencer, what can we do to fix this? (Placed on hold...again...) The solution to this was to place a block on each of those three companies individually, keeping the possibility of collect calls open. However, should more companies pop into existence, there's nothing stopping them from stealing from me, until I figure out what they're doing and have a block put on them as well. "Um, with all our technology, you can't fix this problem?"

"Unfortunately, Ma'am, that's the way our program works."

(Ever heard of firing your techs and hiring some real computer whizzes, then?) - No, I didn't say it....grumble...grumble...wish I wasn't trying to obey the Biblical book of James right about now...)

But my biggest question, which Spencer had no decent answer for, was this: When I call Embarq for ANYthing regarding my phone account, I have to verify address, phone number, and security word. They will not discuss my account with me if I don't know what the answer is to my security question. So how in the world could Mr. John King sign up online for ANYthing regarding my phone account???!!!????

Where's the Homeland Security when you actually need it? HA!

Bottom line? Watch your phone bills for weird charges. Better yet, call your phone company and tell them you want blocks on the 3 companies I mentioned. And if, on your way to StuffMart tomorrow to spend your extra $13.00 President Obama just gave you, you just HAPPEN to rear-end a car being driven by a Mr. John King, please remember his address for me - 'cause I'm gonna kick his butt!!!






(Googled Dum Dums Taste Better!)

In Today's Inbox

Please allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Snopes dot com. Don't confuse me with Snape, a character from Harry Potter. (I have information about Harry, if you're interested.)

My occupation is to dispel rumors, myths, urban legends and similar problems. Some of the issues I have quite capably resolved in the past include:

Miracles Coke may or may not perform

Quotes people may or may not have actually uttered

Science experiments gone wrong...or right

Interesting scenarios for getting ripped off

Lately, though, I've been kept quite busy with a particular subject near and dear to my heart. This topic comes up regularly. It has to do with petitions of every size and shape. During political and holiday seasons, I am more frequently called upon for my wisdom. While I empathize with the feelings of people everywhere who are affected by unmentionable atrocities, please be aware of the ineffectiveness of online petitions. Your efforts at ridding the world of cruelty and injustice will be much more successful if you chose a more proven vehicle to accomplish your goals. Try elbow grease, time and money donations, education, and prayer. Not necessarily in that order.

Please feel free to visit me whenever a question arises. Most people who keep me at the top of their favorites list find that I can answer questions about myriad topics. My close cousin, the forward button, also suggests you utilize me more and cut back on using her. She's exhausted. (And a little disgusted, but she never complains.)

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Mr. Snopes

Delete This!

Why are all my blogger-related emails going to my SPAM folder?

It's irritating me! It means I actually have to glance at my SPAM folder before I delete the crappy stuff sitting there.

Mrs. Rebecca Williams is still trying to say hello - I wonder if she wants to show me pictures or send me money from her Pakistani relatives who were loaded with cash when they died recently?

eBay is still asking if I'm dumb and poor. No, and Poor Is A Frame of Mind.

I'd be in luck if I was looking for Singles. Although there haven't been offers for Church Singles lately...which leads me to wonder how those preachers are fitting all those weddings into their schedules.

My credit score changes daily, apparently. Why can't they make a non-traceable mistake and fill my checking account with a few extra thousand dollars AND improve my score?

My aspirations of being a Crime Scene Investigator must remain on hold, despite the offers for College Scholarships. Thank you, but mothering 6 children takes up the majority of my time. Any free time is spent with my husband, discussing how to escape to a private sandy white beach where children aren't allowed.

With Respect to Artists Everywhere...Or...Plastic Canvas Barbie Clothes

A few months ago, one of my well meaning sisters directed me to a certain website over at Etsy. I had overheard rumors of such a place, but I hadn't yet taken the opportunity to peruse the site. Apparently, Etsy is "Your place to buy and sell all things handmade".

Ok.

I can deal with that.

I'm not overly crafty in any particular area, but occasionally I'll decide to try my hand at something new. Having a short patience thread, when (notice I said when, not if) the project doesn't turn out the way the picture tells me it should, what usually happens is:

1. I chuck said project into a drawer.

2. Three years later, I find said project and wonder what I was thinking.

3. Being the "it might come in handy someday" pack rat that I am, I chuck said project into a box headed to the basement.

4. During the next annual basement cleaning day, I find said project and chuck it into the trash heap headed for Landfill Oblivion, to join the countless previous projects so chucked.

But Etsy goes deeper than just being handmade. There's even a PLEDGE!! Oh good grief! I'm OK with making gifts. I'm OK with receiving handmade gifts. But come on, people - I want a coffee grinder for Christmas, and while my husband just might be up to the challenge, if I wait for him to design and create a personally handmade grinder/brewer, my needing-caffeine-induced headache will be so bad, my body will explode! One new pledge-taker said "it just means more" if the gift is handmade. Everybody has their soapbox - I've got a closet full of them, but that ain't one of mine! That's a "WhatEVER!" moment for me.

Perhaps my facetiousness is a result of jealousy. It isn't that I can't appreciate the beauty in handcrafted items. I can. I do. I love to receive a gift that someone has put thought and effort into making. But I think I'm jealous of the time it takes to fashion anything requiring supplies more involved than crayons and construction paper.

I have a family. I have dishes, laundry, schoolwork, cooking, chauffeuring, and endless other responsibilities. Where in the world would I find time to knit an Apple Jacket?



Furthermore, why would I WANT to knit an apple jacket?

Or a Pear Jacket?



Or a Candy Jacket?



The Apple and Pear Jackets guarantee you'll "never eat a bruised (fruit) again". What, do you line them with popcorn? Does the popcorn get it's own Jacket too? If so, does each popped kernel get it's own individual jacket, or does the group have to share? The Candy Jacket is supposed to keep your candy from getting dusty at the bottom of your purse. My imagination ran a little crazy when I first looked at that thing. I wasn't thinking about candy. Nope. Not candy.

Now with all due respect to the crafter of these fine items, I must admit that in my childhood, my Granny taught me how to crochet my own house slippers, complete with Pom Poms on the toes. I even made some for friends. Thick yarn kept our toes toasty warm. I also learned how to make Pom Pom Cats, which my Granny loved. (My Granny also let us watch Dynasty with her, but that's a whole different story!) ;)

While I don't see myself ever posting any For Sale signs in my own personal Etsy shop, (in the foreseeable future, at least) there really ARE some lovely items available, and many would make wonderful Christmas gifts. I would love a Baby Girl Quilt. It wouldn't even have to come from Etsy. ;) (And if anyone knows how to build coffee grinders, please contact Tom and offer to help, because that's probably the only way I'll get a handmade one.)

I've tried to psychoanalyze myself here. I think my near-sneering at frivolous items began when I made the decision to dislike Martha Stewart. She is just too...too...

She makes her own Potato Chips!!!

She carried a paint bucket full of tulips onto the set of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno!!!

She just irritates me!

My sister KNEW she'd set me off on a rant when she linked me to that website. True to fashion, I had to stew about it for a while, but I feel better. I can delete that email now.

The No Solicitation Rule In Our Town Isn't Just for THAT!

Dear EKG Construction Company Annoying Sirs:

Would you please quit sending your representatives to our door? Yes, we're aware that we need a new roof. We realize that you offer financing. I wonder how many more times we'll have to inform you that we simply can't afford your services. We were dumb enough to let the first guy give us an estimate. You were dumb enough to think we'd fall for the price tag. We didn't. We won't. In all honesty, we can't afford a new roof at the present time, no matter how cheaply you offer to perform the job. We've heard from reliable sources that perhaps that isn't an inaccurate description of the quality of work you provide. We don't intend to gain first hand knowledge.

I'd like to offer a bit of advice. For future reference on future victims clients, your sales personnel may experience slightly higher success rates if they bother to get dressed, eradicate the cigarette odor, and use Visine to mask the bloodshot eyes. But that's just a suggestion.

No Fear

This is a page from the application for assistance at the Ohio Department of Human Services.


On the full page, notice the checklist of things that US citizens have to do to receive help.














This is a closer view of the lower portion of the same application page.






On the close up view, in answer to the question "Do I have to be a citizen?" - Of course not! Don't let fear of US Immigration officials keep you from asking for food stamps, child care, medical care, heck we'll give it all to you. Is there anything else we can help you with today?

Welcome to America, land of the free stuff.

The Name Says It All

WARNING! Please read blog description - note use of words "spout, rant" - proceed with caution, take 2 aspirin and call your doctor in the morning.

Seeing as how my blog's address is nochurchsignsallowed, and I've been blabbing around here for awhile, it's more than high time I explained why I went that route.

Bear with me and follow my train of thought. (good luck!)

What first sparked my general discontent with signage was an incident known to few people, until now anyway. Several years ago, I was under tremendous stress of the vice-grip variety: miscarriage, birthing 4 children in 5 years, metabolic disorder and Angelman Syndrome diagnosis for Gabe, discontent with our church and non-helpful pastor, moving, extended family issues, marriage issues, depression issues, financial issues, basically I was one big issue!

In the midst of all this mess, my doctor was attempting to help me with medication, but we were having a hard time (issue!) finding the right med/dose, blah blah. I had been referred to a specialist, but it would be months before I could get an appointment. After one particularly screwy day, facing the possibility of months more of the same old stuff, I admitted my problems were more than I was willing to handle and admitted my problem self to a stress unit.

There you have it folks - I've been in the looney bin. Should I ever decide to run for political office, please refer all interested parties to this website so that there will be no question as to the presence of skeletons in my closet - I reveal those dry bones with no reservations.

However, let me point out - I did not do this because I was suicidal. I wasn't. I actually kinda like myself, when I'm feeling good. I just knew I couldn't wait for months of guinea pig-edness just to find out that...nope, THAT medicine wasn't working either. The result was, I wound up seeing the doctor I had been referred to, but much quicker. He figured out what I needed, and after some quite helpful counseling, and a few experiences witnessing what...ok, I have to stop here and tell you about a few of those, simply because I find humor in most situations...

Unless you've been in the looney bin (and I use that term with great jocularity, at my own expense) you can't fully appreciate what happens in such places. Once I had been oriented to the stress unit (they let you keep your own clothes, ya know! You don't even have to wear a bum-revealing stained hospital gown! Who knew!) I was presented with my first meal. With plastic ware! Having worked in a hospital that sometimes placed patients on "suicide watch", I knew what the plastic fork really meant! Hello! If I'm going to kill myself, it won't be by stabbing myself with a fork!! As I haven't planned out my death, I don't actually know how I'd kill myself, but it sure enough wouldn't be with a fork, people! That much I can tell you! But since I was in new surroundings where people might misinterpret my sarcasm as "threatening behaviour" and create an instant lock-down situation complete with leather straps, Haldol IV drips, and electrical stimulation, and that's all before the standard lobotomy, I bit my tongue and dutifully used my Special Cutlery to eat my tasteless macaroni salad.

Something else I learned while I was there was that it's pretty standard for many patients to be there more than one time! There were 3 other women about my age that I spent time talking to, and each of them had been in-patients more than one time, and utilized out-patient services numerous times as well. Amazingly, they didn't seem to make the connection that maybe, just MAYBE, watching Lifetime Television might have something to do with their depression! Hello! Lifetime TV = Children being molested, women being abused, sons wanting to be daughters, and how all men are all evil. If you watch that channel, don't whine about being depressed! You should firmly attach a sledge hammer to the television screen if that's what it takes to eradicate your addiction! It just might save your marriage, and your life. (puts soap box away)
I told one of the other women "It's no wonder you're depressed! Quit watching that crap!" - she didn't even stab me with her fork!

ANYway, obviously I survived the 4 day stay in the hospital, and the ensuing month long outpatient follow-up counseling. During the drive to counseling one day, my trip took me past a church that had a sign in the front yard. You know the type - "try to preach using one liners cleverly disguised as well-meaning uplifting messages intended to point out a truth while making you feel good about yourself because after all you're special to everyone you just don't know it yet so we're going to point it out to you in the hopes that you'll believe us and come see what all the hullabaloo is about next Sunday". Now I should point out that this particular church was occasionally attended by a friend of mine, whose mother, a judgemental, critical person in general, was a regular attender and quite possibly responsible for this sign.

This sign's message:

"We're too blessed to be depressed".

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! You have NO idea how close I came to doing an instant illegal U turn and hunting down this woman to personally put my new found "you really shouldn't contemplate plucking people's eyebrows as torture" skills to the test. Do these people not refer to the Bible, the Holy Word of God, before they put their stupid signs on display? Have they never heard of Job? Jonah? Paul? Mary? David? Do they not know that people sometimes have problems they have to struggle through? Life happens? Blessings don't equal no bad times?

I am fully aware that we often create our own problems. I have plenty of my own making! I can also attest to the goodness of a gracious God who forgives my biggest sins as well as the seemingly insignificant mistakes I make on a daily basis. But to glibly spout off Christian-ease and imply that if I would just "let God handle it" all would be ok is stupid at best and downright wrong at worst! And trust me, I have had numerous mis-informed Christians tell me my "depression is just Satan speaking into my head". Give me a break! It isn't Satan! It's the lack of sleep, poor eating habits, the last disagreement with my husband, the argument with my mother, my sick child, the unbalanced checkbook, the latest electric bill, the nasty clerk, the price of gas...

Sure I know I could change some of those things. IF I WAS PERFECT! Newsflash: I'M NOT!! I also know that while God gives us brains, He doesn't ignore us when we don't use them properly. So if I create a problem that was just plain dumb, God isn't going to say "Guess what, idiot? You can get yourself outta this one! Maybe you'll learn your lesson this time!" That's human tendency, not God's. I've had the BLESSING of learning much through being severely depressed, the biggest lesson being that God is with me always, and I can depend on Him when everyone fails me. I'd much rather just be able to believe that without the struggle, but God knows me better than I do, and apparently He sees things I don't.

So all this leads me to today - a church-sign dis-liker of great measure. Along the path of my resistance, I've seen some dandy lines:

EGO - Edging God Out
Have you downloaded Jesus to your heart-drive?
Join us to battle truth decay
This church is prayer-conditioned
God chooses what we go through - we choose how we go through it
God is madly in love with you
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it
Ch__rch What’s missing? UR
Don’t make me come down there - God
Download your worries - get online with God

I will not give my opinion of each of these, but I think we have a problem when we start reducing Christianity to mere T-shirt slogans and catchy one-liners. God is Holy, and to try to fit Him into our lifestyle via the current most popular technology lingo, romantic notion, or various household appliance debases what He did for us on the Cross.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of fairly tasteful Christian-esqe T-shirts, because I'm not ashamed to let people know I'm a Christ-follower. I just think the idea of a drive-by sermon is questionable, especially when I can get the follow-up in front of the Donut Shop and the 3rd in the series at the gas station!

As for your fears that perhaps I should have stayed medicated longer, rest assured: I'm as much of a sound mind as I'm ever gonna get. I'm now drug-free. My down days are generally weather-related. I have never experienced road rage. (Considered it several times, but the idea of prison isn't as appealing as entrance to the sanatorium) And while I believe church signs should serve the purpose of telling the public the times of Sunday services, if your church participates in producing witticism from afar, I won't hold it against you - unless you tell me it's all in my head!