Happy Monday to Me!

Our local paper has a trivia-type photo game to play. A photographer will shoot a picture of any object of his or her choosing that is located somewhere in the county. They publish a portion of the photo in the newspaper, and the object is to guess what you're viewing. The next day, they publish the entire photo. I have no idea what you win if you guess correctly. Probably nothing but the satisfaction of a job well done.

In honor of this game, I give you the following section of a photo I took.



Know what it is yet? If you guessed Swiss cheese, you're wrong.




If you guessed "Plastic diaper cover accidentally tossed in dryer", you win! Congratulations! Much like our newspaper, the gift you get is your own satisfaction.

Now, before you go thinking I'm all green and whatnot, never fear. I'm neither overly environmentally sensitive, OR stupid ambitious enough to use cloth diapers. Did that with my first two to save money. Discovered I'd rather be slightly sane than rich. Switched to She Who Must Be Hated By Eco-Conscious Wackos.

The real reason I have had these crinkly panties, as they're referred to in our house, is because not only am I of the Anti-Global Warming Frenzy lot of Americans...I am also a card-carrying member of the Moms Who Don't Change Diapers in the Middle of the Night Club. And the Save Yourself Some Laundry Loads By Putting Crinkly Panties Over Your Daughter's Diaper Just In Case She Drinks Too Much Before Bedtime Club.

What dumb thing have YOU done lately?

Today Is Brought To You By Hasbro and By The Letters "C,E,R,E,A" and "L".

Because I don't want anyone to think our house is boring and monotonous, I bring you this morning's kitchen floor offerings.



See...we have colorful neon Playdough, sparkly leftovers from New Year's Eve party hats, and strawberry shredded wheat, tossed onto the floor courtesy of an irritated 17 month old little girl. This is oh-so-lovingly swept into the center of a square of my flooring, size 6"x6".

Yes, I have bigger plans for my New Year than constantly sweeping up crumbs. Tomorrow, I move on to Airing Dirty Laundry. Stay tuned.

I Know I'm Petty, But...

Could SOMEone please explain to me WHY Facebook status updates like "So-and-So is off to watch TV!!!!!" (buy groceries, cook dinner, flush the toilet - you get the point) get a bazillion exclamation points and 27,000 people "liking" it?!?

What is so stinkin' awesome about Sally Somebody going about her everyday activities? Do I know the only 3 people in the world who can come up with something interesting, hilarious, disturbing or challenging? Granted, I don't have 8,439 friends. My requirement for approving friend requests is that I actually know you, spend time with you, used to spend time with you and now don't due to life's circumstances, or attend some type of church/school/community activity with you. Maybe if I approved every person that ever lived, thought about living, or has still-living relatives, I could find someone with a life more interesting than the local real estate transfer log!

Worse - the people who "like" the boring activities! What?!? Can't you cook? Don't you shop? Never heard of coupon clipping? Darn it, people! Get lives! Read a book! Go skiing! Spend an afternoon on the Elderly Bench in Main Action Alley at Walmart! (Yes, there IS such a name. Gag.) Volunteer to wash windows at the local jail! Do SOMEthing, so you don't think your best friend from first grade is so dang great because she remembers how to blow her nose! (Unless she's had a stroke, in which case, great for her that she's recovered that important skill...it's ever so much better than using her sleeve, but do you REALLY believe that she had a stroke and forgot how to blow her nose but she is at Astounding Tutoring Farmer level in Farmville? You're so gullible!)

And what's with the church-sign mentality for status updates? ACK! If I want a Cotton-Candied Positive, Morally Uplifting, Spiritually Emotional, Biblically-Inaccurate, Intelligence-Devoid bit of Drivel, I'll drive by 94% of the churches in my county and pick my favorite. (Or listen to any number of popular televangelists, but we won't go there tonight - I don't want to lose my supper.)

And don't you DARE tell me what you're cooking for dinner! I Do. Not. Care. that you're considered the greatest chef since Teflon came along...feed your family. Leave us out of the meal planning! We all know you eat......

Geez, people! Watch a movie, and write down a funny line you hear. Quote it as your status. Not only will it make you appear funnier than you are - it will make people wonder what drug you just ingested.

More Things That Shouldn't Be

Something just doesn't seem quite right here...





At a place where I can fill up my tank...




and get the van washed...




I can also use my food stamps. (Well, if I had food stamps, that is...)

Yeah, plenty of great healthy food at this place!! (I'm warning ya...do NOT get me started on making me pay for my neighbor's pop and potato chips! It won't be pretty, and at the very least, the innocent clerk at the grocery store should get the striped shirt for free if she has to play referee!)

But first, I'd like to suggest a consultation with a marketing professional, or maybe hiring someone slightly skilled in creating coherent signage.

Am I getting the special of the day, a good car wash? (Why would I want a bad one?)
Is gas only $2.00? Is that per gallon or per tank?
Are the cigarettes the deal, or are we playing some kind of 3-pack card game?
Is there a qualification process for the free lighter?



Am I the only one around here that thinks this is a little wacked?!?

These Things Ought Not To Be

Going through my boys' psychology book with them...it reads "Psychology is more than just lying on a therapist's couch discussing why you hate your mother." They bust up laughing.

One child thought he would escape Logic homework by declaring that it was too confusing. Maybe by class completion, his excuse repertoire will have expanded.

Perusing the shelves at Barnes and Noble yesterday, I noticed that the MENSA crossword puzzles were in the same section as the Rubik's Cube, which included a How-to-Solve DVD.

That's how my week is going. How's yours? ;-)

You'll Find It In the Health and Beauty Department

This sign cracks me up...



..."even when"...??



Because if you're not, wouldn't you need the number to a place.....






... like this?


And along slightly related lines, if you are indeed active and on oxygen, (real or canned) there are certain times that refraining from proving that to everyone around you is a tremendous blessing. Check this out. (Embedding is disabled.)








(google, thanks for the image)

It Must Be a Rhetorical Question, Eh?

Having worked at Wendy's in a former, younger life, I should know better than to buy chicken sandwiches at certain times of the day. My on-the-run sandwich/supper yesterday didn't come from a chicken hatchery. It came from a rubber tree, I'm pretty sure. I've discovered you can choke down lots of things, if the thing is drowning in pickles.

Do we really need Danny Lipford, DIY guru, telling us that all homeowners should have a hammer? Granted, not every home in most 3rd-world countries have a lot of use for hammers, but in developed nations, I'm thinking... Hmmm... if a bank will give you a loan for a house, you've probably considered purchasing a hammer. Finding that hammer when you need it is another story.

When did "burial expense" experts start making telemarketing calls? That was kinda creepy on my voicemail!

Why does my insurance company have NO PROBLEM doling out thousands of dollars monthly for medication, but they limit my chiropractor payments to $1,000 annually? We recently discovered that one of Gabe's seizure medications comes in more than one form, and this means a savings of over $1100 a month, merely by switching from "sprinkles" to "tablets". I suggest they let me have the savings for visits to my chiropractor more often.

Why can I always find chocolate bunnies in the Easter Candy aisle, but I have to search through 87 Walmarts to find a white chocolate cross?

Do people really write those letters to Dear Abby, or are they computer-generated? I realize America has it's fair share of dumb people, but if people are really as dumb as some of those letters indicate, would they be smart enough to write for advice?

How can anyone POSSIBLY watch enough TV to make it worth the $136/monthly bill I saw recently, belonging to a woman who has a male significant other that refuses to work?

Why?

Why?

Why?

It's a near-full moon. I live with teenagers. I have a 3 year old. Any or all of those facts might explain my grouchy, whiny, inquisitive attitude. I am SO not feelin' the love tonight.

Freaky Friday

Talk about your Dolly Parton of the lip-plumping products!

Or some extreme photographic doctoring!

This showed up on my email page today.

Either way, I think I'll keep my own, thanks!

It's Monday and Sometimes I Just Rattle

THIS article is goofy! Do we really need to be told these things? I can go a step or two further in pointing out what should be obvious, but apparently isn't, since a news article has to be written to address these issues. Did they just need filler for this edition?

Bottled Water -
Everybody knows it's cheaper, short term, to drink water from your kitchen sink. (I say "short term", because over the course of your life time, you'll drink lots of water. You'll also be consuming fluoride in that water, if you live in town. So are you really saving money? How much fluoride does the average person take in during their life span? It ain't good for ya, you know! Highly toxic crap there, people.) I cringe when I see people buying those big 24-packs of water bottles. Even on sale, you rarely find them cheaper than 4 dollars a case, and that's for the store brand! Unless you're going on vacation and need the convenience, quit buying those bottles and go to your local Culligan water supplier, and fill up a few reusable containers. It's 25 cents a gallon. You do the math. (And if you're drinking filtered water for health reasons, you should be cooking with filtered water as well, by the way.)

Gym Memberships -
I think I have more friends who do NOT use their gym memberships than those that DO. "I haven't been to the gym in three months. I just can't find the motivation." Well then, can you just cancel your membership and give the fifty bucks to me every month? Go for long walks on warm days, and pick up a set of weights at a garage sale this summer for cold days. You'll be further ahead, plus you'll have the added benefit of improving your arm muscles by dusting the weights off once a month. We all know you're really not that into physical exercise, anyway.

Organic Produce -

"Sure, buying organic makes you feel like you’re doing the right thing, but it isn't always the best choice for your wallet. Fruits and vegetables like kiwis, sweet corn and broccoli require very little pesticide to grow. Others -- like avocados, onions and pineapples -- have thick or peelable skins that reduce your exposure to harmful chemicals. “Any pesticide that remains is not getting through,” says Lempert."

WHAT??!?? "Here, Deanna - we only put a little rat poison on this broccoli. It will only make your left eye twitch for ten minutes after you eat it. But mind you, if you eat the apple that we full-on sprayed with the junk, watch out for full body convulsions followed by your tongue protuding out your mouth and wrapping itself around your neck causing death by strangulation. Don't bother suing us, because we warned you. And besides, it would probably be considered suicide."

For real organic stuff that won't cost an arm and a leg, and even if you have VERY limited space, check out Square Foot Gardening. We have big plans this year that hopefully will yield much better results than last year's space-wasting attempts to be more healthy!


Music Downloads, Insurance, Warranties, Overdraft Fees - Don't we know this stuff already? Must be the fluoride...

Another Odd Ending

So I was a bit grumpy when I stuck my last post on here. You'll have that some days. Especially days when people annoy me with stupidity.

Then there's days when people just amuse me, and ya get things like this.

We have a guy in our town (well, to be fair, it's the outskirts next to the cemetery, but still plainly visible) who went all out a couple years ago on planting tomatoes. He has a huge electrical tower monstrosity in his back yard, and it appears that to make it more tolerable to live with, he decided to plant his tomatoes in toilets. He had 6 or 7 toilets arranged in a circle beneath the tower. It was rather trashy looking, in a tasty sort of way.

Maybe he was friends with this guy and was trying to out-do him. I don't know if our city council or mayor ever told him to clean up his act, but we only had to see the outdoor tomato bathroom for one season.

Now out in Iowa, if you're an older person, you might want to join in on the naming of your group. It just doesn't bode well for senior citizens to be referred to as DOA. Unless of course they've been eating tomatoes grown in toilets. That might extend the possibility of being un-DOA.

If you're a foreigner coming into the state of Washington, it's probably best if you don't try to enforce your mother's manners on the border agent. Yes, we know it's nice to say please, but unless you want some pepper spray to flavor your toilet tomatoes, you best not be demanding the man with the weapons to treat you kindly.

Yes, it's nearing spring time, I have cabin fever and I'm itchin' to get some tomato plants in the ground. Bet ya just couldn't figure that one out!!

Stimulating Thoughts In Honor of Crooked Politicians Everywhere - But Which Have Little To Do With Politics

Overheard at the beauty salon:

In a discussion regarding the recent birth of 8 precious babies to a woman who has 6 additional children: "Shouldn't Social Services step in anyway? They only have 3 bedrooms!" um....call me nutty, but I don't believe not having individual bedrooms is cause to require a visit from Child Protective Services. And silly me, but I'm thinkin' that CPS is probably onto the case, as it's PLASTERED ALL OVER THE WORLD!!! Leave the poor woman alone!

Apparently one of the hairdresser's children has contracted the horrible disease known as Chicken Pox. "And she had the shot!" (I nearly fell off my chair laughing at Savannah, who was nearly falling off her chair rolling her eyes. Fortunately, her bangs were covering her eyes good enough that only I knew she was rolling her eyes.)


Points to ponder:

If you're going to drive left-of-center for an extended period of time when I'm advancing toward you minding my own business in my own lane, you probably shouldn't identify yourself with "S---n Farms" splashed across your windshield. I'm just sayin'...

Little Mister D, it is never a good idea to demonstrate that you've had enough dinner by picking potato and cake crumbs from your plate and flingin' 'em over your shoulder when Mama is watchin' ya...

It's Elemental, My Dear

The following scientific report, along with mountains of other important discoveries, can be found at Natural News.

------

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front...

The apple crisp I made tonight is so sweet it hurts my teeth.

My baby's dimples are super cute. I think she's cutting teeth.

It was slightly icy today at Gabe's school. Preston slipped getting out of the van. (It hurt his arm, but not his teeth.)

A family of 8 monopolizes a good half hour of the chiropractor's time. (He didn't work on anyone's teeth.)

The roof salesman at my door today didn't want to take "no" for an answer. (I couldn't get over the hacking cough he had long enough to check his teeth.)

I paid for a half gallon of milk today with one dollar in change. It confused the grouchy salesclerk. I handed her, separately while stating how much of each coin I had, 20 pennies, 5 dimes and 6 nickels. She didn't believe I had 20 pennies. Then she missed a dime when counting. Then she dropped a dime and a nickel. I was in the express lane. I just stood there and smiled. (While wanting to grit my teeth.)

Now I'm going to bed. (After I brush my teeth)