Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Houdini, Alcatraz and a Wheelchair, As Told By Gabe

I have some advice for people who find themselves in a situation not quite to their liking.

The first order of business is to glance around your location and choose an object that will hold your interest, even when the road isn't so smooth. You need to be able to stick to your guns in a tight spot. Any object will do, as long as it's a motivating incentive for YOU. In my case, what kept me focused was my little sister's car seat. It wasn't very far out of reach, but it was certainly going to require some effort to attain what I wanted!

Step 2 is to contemplate how best to escape this contraption you're sitting in at the moment. Pretend to be doing no such thing, so Mom doesn't suspect anything out of the ordinary. (Although in my case, there isn't a lot that actually IS ordinary, but hey, give me a break!)

If you think it will help, pretend to be asleep.

Or very, very bored.

Once you have planned your route, set things in motion with great determination.

If Mom glances your way, just act like this is the most comfortable position you've ever assumed.

If extra people show up while you're working out the details, hide and refuse to answer any questions. Claim that you don't understand English, if you must.

Slowly slip out, a bit at a time and hope that no one notices.

Breathe a sigh of relief when you realize you're nearly there.

Try not to panic when your depth perception problems surface.

Once you've managed to clear the hurdles, strike your best model pose and act casual.

Kiss the ground when you reach it - that's good luck.

Study any sections you had difficulty with, and begin to incorporate into your thought process the alternatives for the next excursion.

Do not kick the offensive object, because you'll get new bruises.

Give Mom a completely and utterly adorable grin when she confronts you with the ridiculous "What are you doing??!!??" question. (Don't say anything like "What does it look like I'm doing??" - that makes Mom angry, and you'll get called a smart-butt.)

Carry on with your plundering of the goods as if this actually does belong to you.

Pay close attention to the small details of the item you originally set out to conquer.

Again, and I can not say this enough, a stern look goes a long way to keeping less able-bodied persons away from your treasure.

This type of manuevering works best when there are many other activities taking place around you.

For this particular exercise, Mom was distracted by a neighbor at the door needing to ask a question. The dumb dog was barking, so she had to be contained. (I should mention that this dumb dog has BEEN being contained for 2 weeks, because she is jealous of my new little baby foster sister, and her chosen method of stating her displeasure has been to begin eliminating her solid waste products on the floor where Mom can see. Mom has been threatening to take the dog away, but she says there's a little more room at the end of her rope to tie one or two more knots. I don't know what that means.)

While Mom was saying goodbye to the neighbor, my little brother smashed his fingers in the front door, and pushed the door shut with his bike. While Mom was cleaning him up, a mosquito flew in her ear. And the baby started screaming. I thought Savannah was going to pull out her hair. Instead she just put my little brother's jammies on him and took him to bed. Mom just stood in the middle of the dining room and laughed her head off. I think she's lost it.

1 comment:

*~Tamara~* said...

First, let me say that I am very impressed with your skills. You should contact some famous magicians and see if they could use your expertise in the area of escaping contraptions they have devised for themselves, with which they entertain millions of bored Americans and earn oodles of money. I'm sure your services would only make their shows all that more breath-taking and enjoyable.

But now, on to more important things. After viewing your most recent daring escape (thank you for the pictorial, by the way, it really helped me understand how to do this myself), I have one very important question:

Where is your other shoe?

Your most adoring aunt, er, I mean fan.