It's a Delicacy in Hawaii! Really!!

Ok, Mr. Postman, you're supposed to bring me a dream - oh wait, that's the Sandman.

Maybe these two gentlemen have confused their roles or something, because my inbox is full of strange things lately.

Frankly, I really don't care to meet Sexy Black Singles OR Church Singles (no color specified there). And I bet Whoever Has a Crush on Me wouldn't, if they could see how I look when I roll out of bed in the morning, smelling vaguely of baby formula.

I don't know who Mrs. Esther Prakash is, but it appears she wants to donate money to me.

I've been offered more ways to cleanse my colon than I ever care to actually attempt.

A CAR!!! would be nice, but I've seen no mention of passenger vans up for grabs. Do you have one on your Impound Lot?

I sure could use a gift card to Applebees, Costco or Sam's, but I'm a little leery about the requirement to participate.

It's rude for an unknown person to tell me that I need to lose weight.

Hi, Nick. Hi, Andrew. Hi, Julie. Whoever you are.

We faithfully make our house payment every month, but I'll keep you in mind if we're ever in danger of foreclosure.

The government has no business giving me your money, so why are you willing to let them do that?

I don't have time to be a Mystery Shopper. There's enough mysteries that go on around my house anyway, so I don't need to go buy more.

Thank you for Selecting Me to Win, but I don't think I should give you my credit card information, so I'll pass this time.

I have tubs full of pictures. I don't need yours.

Online college isn't currently in my plans, but I'll keep it in mind.

Canadian drugs have just as many side effects as American drugs, even if they are cheaper.

I'm not exactly sure how a male enhancement drug would work for me, a female, anyway.

Please get your facts straight: we aren't tromping all over Iraq because they bombed the WTC and the Pentagon.

You can't fix my credit score.

OK, I get it! I'll never park by a van with no windows or offer to help a nice-looking young man change a tire again!

I have six kids; of course I could use $5,000 a month! Sign me up!

I seriously doubt that Obama is the Anti-Christ. Oprah might be related, though. No, I won't forward your messages to prove my patriotism.

This is an American email address. Please use English. No, I'm not racist because I say that.

What are you smoking that makes you think the world is going to end in 2012? Quit, and read your Bible.

For future reference, my new address is youbugmeatalltimesdotcom.